In and Out of the Tunnel

I recently listened to a story on NPR on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I love the true stories told here. This was a story of a man who was on death row for the murder of 3 children. He was 18 years old when he was accused and was on death row for 18 years total. He didn't commit the murders and there was DNA evidence to support him over many appeals but the same judge heard all the appeals and designated them as not enough for an appeal. Finally, his case was heard in a state supreme court and he was able to be released after 18 years. He lived half his life in jail. He lived many years with out hope and his health failed. But some part of him never gave up.

This is certainly a true story and an extreme story of long term abuse and trauma with no end in sight. The truth is, most of us live with some form of long term abuse or trauma of some kind or another. Some of us are more affected by them than others, and some of us are more wounded than others, and some have more terrible abuse than others. It doesn't change how it affects us. One of the effects is our being able to live in the middle of a dark tunnel with no end in sight. 

Every one of us has a dark tunnel we go through many times throughout our lives. This is an internal place where we are going through a tough time and we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. How do we get through those dark and lonely times? I know a man who has made some great strides throughout his life and has accomplished things his family had not been able to, including getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Yet upon his ability to move through a difficult relationship, he was in a place of, what next? He is still the same person with many old fears and wounds, he is just in a different place. 

His fears still are there. Most of us, when we move through something challenging use all our resources to move through it and have not been able to visualize what happens after. We are the same person….Suddenly in front of him are very similar issues which plagued him throughout his relationship. He thought he would experience a great sense of freedom and instead finds himself dealing with new situations but the same inner story and early traumas affecting him and influencing him. He finds himself in the middle of a new dark tunnel. Where he thought he would see light, he sees darkness. 

As we work through our early life traumas, we find new ways to deal with them and we slowly work to change the stories we have told ourselves most of our lives. The fact is that when we have pretty severe early wounds we haven't cultivated ways of being in uncomfortable and dark places. Those dark places feel too much like what we lived through when we were young and we keep getting re traumatized. How do we move day by day through the dark places with little hope, until we begin to see some light? We do this by day by day learning how to be in uncomfortable and scary feelings, reminding us that the old fears are just that, old fears. We learn how to be uncomfortable and continue doing our work as we learn to accept ourselves, to see the strengths we have learned through our challenges, and recognizing that we have learned, we are stronger, and learn to be our own best friend. Talking about what happened helps also; not to wallow in our old stories, but to reveal what we have kept hidden from us and from others. Sometimes we have to be in the dark tunnel with faith that as we keep walking we will find some light. As we do so we can begin to create a truly new life for ourselves.

Shift Your Story/Shift Your Life

So, find a comfortable safe place to be in where you won't be disturbed. Breathe deeply 2, 3 times. Imagine in your mind's eye a place where you feel good and safe. See the beauty around you and feel the feeling of what being safe might be like. From this place, mine is a field of wild flowers in a forest clearing, remember an old trauma or old wound which has dogged you….that you are still dealing with in some way, or even a fresh one if that is more appropriate. Breathe deeply and at the same time you are remembering an abuse or trauma, feel and see the surroundings you are now in your mind's eye. Tell yourself you are safe and you are no longer in that situation. Now, think about one thing that you learned from this person or situation that has made you stronger or that you even use in your life today that wouldn't have been there without that trauma. Breathe that in and thank them and you. Feel an appreciation for yourself. Take a moment and just sit there with that appreciation in that safe place. Now become aware of your body and the room that you are in and wiggle your fingers. When you are ready to open your eyes, and then find a piece of paper and write down what this was like for you.

My soothing words of wisdom for the week is about taking the time to look at the awe and wonder around us:

SaveSave