Monday, November 24, 2014

What Brings Clarity

“Kindness in words creates confidence.
Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.
Kindness in giving creates love.” 
                                                                                        -Lao Tzu                             


We have gone on a journey this past year, through Body Presencing, learning what it is, seeing what keeps us stuck in the past, learning what it is to be in the present, and seeing what is in store for us in the future. Along with stories, cases, and philosophizing, I have included many exercises and meditations to help us along this path. Here we are at the end of the year, and I dont know about you, but this year has gone by very fast. At times it felt slow, like through our cold, sludgy winter, but other times just zoomed past. This is life; sometimes we get stuck in something and time goes very slowly, our growth seems to slow down. At times, we pick up things very quickly and just roll with our learning. One of the biggest things that helps us create a new future gives us is a sense of clarity. How can we see things as openly and objectively as possible if we dont have clarity? 

What is clarity? I see it as the result of being able to remove the issues, the ego constructs and defenses that helped us at one point to survive. The ways of being and behaving that developed as a way of getting through, surviving a difficult trauma, difficult parents, etc. become understood. A way is found to help those little parts stop ruling us and instead, become integrated into our being.

When we can see ourselves as openly and as undefended as possible, we  learn to love ourselves at a very deep level. Armed with this self love, we can apply our tools to welcoming our hurt, wounded, angry, lost, lonely, and depressed selves to us. What happens when they no longer are trying to be heard and seen all the time, is that they no longer are in front of us, but are integrated within us. When they are no longer in front of us, our view is clear, and not influenced or impeded by the views of our little defended selves. 

Think about it. If our angry or depressed self is sitting in front of us and influencing our thoughts and feelings, everything we see is tinted by their view.  If they are with us, our view becomes open and we can see the outside and others so much more clearly. As the saying goes, as trite as it is, the truth does set us free. Seeing clearly opens up a whole new world for us. The act of opening to truth allows whole new movements inside of us.

An example of this was shown very clearly to me and a client the other day. She had broken up with a man whom she thought she loved, and found she was still hooked by him when she saw him; she still yearned for him and hoped it would work. I asked her to write down for herself what she really looks for in a man, and also to write down what are deal breakers in a relationship. What I mean by that is what traits, no matter how else everything is, that can make the relationship not work for her. As she wrote them down, she realized that there were not one, but three deal breakers on her list with this man. Yet, she still yearned for him. I asked her if she knew what this was about, and she said, yes, she still is a little girl inside, hoping her father will come back. When she was four years old, her father left the family for another woman. This little girl was traumatized and still living in hope that her father would come back. This hope, which she needed at four, now keeps her stuck in relationships that arent best for her. Her four year old was ruling her in that way. In this example, her four year old little self lived outside of her, or in other words, un-integrated with her. So, she was ruling her actions with love relationships.  As she can see this little girl more clearly and welcome her within her with her eyes open, she can then begin to see herself in relationships with more clarity. The little self is no longer in front of her, blindly, and ruling her, but is within her giving her a very clear view of what is in front of her. In order to do this, it is also important for her to accept her father just as he is, and to understand at a deep level, that his actions were all about him, and not about her. The work of the Family Constellations helps us to make these important steps for ourselves.

It has been a good year, with lots of learning. I hope this journey from past, present, and into the future has been helpful to you. It is hard to believe the new year is upon us. I wish for us all a very happy, healthy, vital and whole new year, filled with love, clarity, inspiration, connection, and hope.


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People have asked me many questions about the work of the Family Constellations. If you havent heard of it, feel free to read more about it on my web site, www.bodypresencing.com. One of the tools in that body of work is using image to help see things and others with greater perspectives; a larger lens. One aspect of this is aligning our families in their order behind us so that we have nothing in the way of seeing and moving forward in a new way, with the past behind us. There is a lot of power in that act and in that image. I wish you all the best, and feel free to look at the blogs of this coming year, 2015, as I introduce the concept of what I call, in the mean time. What do we do in the mean time of our lives?