What's With This Anger?

Everyone seems so angry these days. It doesn't take much to set us off. I have been thinking about what this is all about. I find even in myself when I speak with people about political happenings or individuals that if I talk with someone who sees things a certain way with such conviction and certitude, I feel angry and want to argue instead of discussing.

I know for me, part of the dynamic stems from how I react when someone speaks to me with an angry or righteous tone. What sets me off is the feeling that they are not open and will not or can not listen to me and what I have to say. It goes back to my need to be heard and seen for who I am. When I encounter a situation where a person seems closed to another viewpoint and therefore closed to me and my ideas and beliefs, I feel shut down and I, in turn, close down. I don't open to them, and I feel angry, and it sets off my own set of righteousness inside.

I also know that we as a sea of humanity, are much more alike than different. Maybe those that approach me and others with closed ideas and beliefs feel defensive and that perhaps their views feel threatened. What we hold close to us from how we were raised, from the beliefs that shaped us, from confusing the people whom we love, who held those views from their ideas, we tend to feel we need to defend. We defend who and what we hold dear, not separating their opinions and beliefs from ours. If we think that someone is going to shoot down these dear ones or dearly held beliefs, we become self-righteous. We think we know what is right.

Recently I had a discussion if you could call it that, with an individual, I know well. He began the conversation with a statement about Donald Trump, implicitly thinking I would support a movement Mr. Trump made. He started with a question which felt to me as though it was a statement. The question was an expectation that I would agree with him. When I didn't agree and saw how angry it made him, I stepped back and got quiet. Instead of fighting, I talked about a TED talk I had just seen about the art of discussion. In this speech, the speaker spoke about 10 points for a good debate or a conversation. The three most important aspects stayed in my mind.

First is to be present. Often when we supposedly listen to another or are the listener in a discussion, our minds go to a point we want to make. When that occurs, we no longer are present but are thinking of what we are going to say. We then miss what the other is saying.

The second is to listen really. I guess we have to be present to listen. So taking in what the other person is saying is very important.

The third is to be ready to be amazed. There is something every one of us can teach another. When we can be open to what they are often saying there is something, whether it be a perspective or an idea or a fact they have researched, which, when we can listen, that can amaze us.

Is it possible for us to put our righteousness aside and our need to and our belief that we are right so that we can connect and learn with another?

When we can, our anger can dissipate and in its place is a connection with another. 

Shift Your Story/Shift Your Life

I challenge you to have a discussion with someone with whom you meet who is hard to talk to, or with someone you know whom you often disagree with and to set aside your talking points and your beliefs and listen to them. Listen rather than make a point or show them how right you are. Then, write down your experience and what you learned from them, or what you learned about yourself. If you would like to share your experience, I would love to hear from you.

If you want to learn more about how to listen or you need some assistance in how to work with yourself and your reactivity, call me at 3149959755, email me, or visit my website.

My soothing words of wisdom for the week is about restructuring your foundations: