Feeling v Reacting

Sometimes we are so immersed in being angry or frantic or upset that we think that is us feeling our feelings. What we are doing when we feel that way is that we are either reacting to the deep feelings coming up within us or we are experiencing deep feelings without words so that we have no way to categorize or to understand the deep things coming up inside of us. Either way, experiencing such terrible feelings or reactions can be no fun and very disturbing. I have a patient who experiences this phenomenon frequently. Suddenly she becomes terribly frantic and upset. Often in those times she is unable to be the detective and to figure out what set her off. Sometimes it just takes lots of stuff to do or something she read and she is off and running, with no off button in sight. One day in the recent past this occurred again. She phoned me in a state of panic. She asked me if I was trying to rub salt in her wound by writing what I did as an affirmation for her. No, I was not. In fact, we had written parts of the affirmation together. It was an affirmation to go with a flower remedy she was taking to help her with her difficult times. It had stated something about feeling safe enough to feel and be with her conscious and unconscious feelings that come up. She was so angry, saying something to the effect of that she was doing that all the time! Here I wrote to feel safe enough to feel her feelings and she was doing that in spades and feeling so upset. It made no sense to her at that time. When she called I just suggested that she not read the affirmation right now; to just let it go for now and that we would look at what upset her about it together at her appointment. Then I sat with what had just happened. It hit me that what she was doing was not just feeling her feelings, she was reacting to them and had no words to understand the tumultuous chaos going on through her mind. Has that ever happened to you? I think it has to most of us. At the time we think we are in the throes of deep difficult feelings. In fact, we are reacting to deep un-understandable feelings. Almost always underneath anger and rage is deep sadness, disappointment, and even helplessness. It can be that actually feel the sadness or the disappointment or helplessness is too much for us and so we allow us to feel the anger or rage…..that we can handle; at least better than we can these unconscious feelings. Yet, naming the unnameable….the helplessness, for example, is so overwhelming. We do have to feel safe enough to do that. Maybe we can't do it by ourselves, but need someone with us to witness it together. Can you imagine what it would be like for a baby, or a one-year-old or two-year-old to feel such profound sadness or helplessness and not have any way to deal with those feelings? It happens all the time, and so lives in us in the unconscious, waiting for an opportunity to come up again so we can understand them and find ways to deal with them. We can't do this work alone. We need help naming the nameless and unknowable. We need help holding these un-holdable feelings. We do this in a relationship with another. It starts with the relationship we hold with ourselves and developing a safe or safer relationship with us. How can we be safe when we feel such rage? We can't really. So we find words to name them. We give the feelings context and a name and a way to hold them, and to feel them without reacting to them. It is difficult to work, and so rewarding. Doing the work helps to be and live in health, wholeness, and vitality.  Shift Your Story/Shift Your Life: Think of a time where you got very upset. It could be with you, with someone you care about, with a co-worker, etc. Think back to that time. Did you lash out, did you yell, did you throw dishes, did you take a walk, did you go inside and figure out what upset you? Did you want to throw dishes and decide not to? Hahaha, yet also not haha. Go back to that time if you can. Breathe deeply through this exercise. Feel your breath. Underneath the upset was there a feeling involved….anger, rage, sadness, hurt, helpless, what? If you can go to that under feeling. Allow yourself to feel the sad or the helpless or the hurt. As you do, feel the anger slowly change. What does it change, if it does? Stay with this for a few minutes and if you can, be with the feelings that come up for you. Breathe through this. Now if you can, put words to what comes up for you: what you feel hurt about and what it reminds you of, for example. Again, be with this for as long as needed. You are with yourself in those moments. Breathe deeply again and come back to the present.  Write down your experience of this exercise for you and your takeaway. It is yours.

Sometimes we are so immersed in being angry or frantic or upset that we think that is us feeling our feelings. What we are doing when we feel that way is that we are either reacting to the deep feelings coming up within us or we are experiencing deep feelings without words so that we have no way to categorize or to understand the deep things coming up inside of us. Either way, experiencing such terrible feelings or reactions can be no fun and very disturbing.

I have a patient who experiences this phenomenon frequently. Suddenly she becomes terribly frantic and upset. Often in those times she is unable to be the detective and to figure out what set her off. Sometimes it just takes lots of stuff to do or something she read and she is off and running, with no off button in sight.

One day in the recent past this occurred again. She phoned me in a state of panic. She asked me if I was trying to rub salt in her wound by writing what I did as an affirmation for her. No, I was not. In fact, we had written parts of the affirmation together. It was an affirmation to go with a flower remedy she was taking to help her with her difficult times. It had stated something about feeling safe enough to feel and be with her conscious and unconscious feelings that come up. She was so angry, saying something to the effect of that she was doing that all the time! Here I wrote to feel safe enough to feel her feelings and she was doing that in spades and feeling so upset. It made no sense to her at that time. When she called I just suggested that she not read the affirmation right now; to just let it go for now and that we would look at what upset her about it together at her appointment. Then I sat with what had just happened. It hit me that what she was doing was not just feeling her feelings, she was reacting to them and had no words to understand the tumultuous chaos going on through her mind.

Has that ever happened to you? I think it has to most of us. At the time we think we are in the throes of deep difficult feelings. In fact, we are reacting to deep un-understandable feelings. Almost always underneath anger and rage is deep sadness, disappointment, and even helplessness. It can be that actually feel the sadness or the disappointment or helplessness is too much for us and so we allow us to feel the anger or rage... that we can handle; at least better than we can these unconscious feelings. Yet, naming the unnameable... the helplessness, for example, is so overwhelming. We do have to feel safe enough to do that. Maybe we can't do it by ourselves, but need someone with us to witness it together. Can you imagine what it would be like for a baby, or a one-year-old or two-year-old to feel such profound sadness or helplessness and not have any way to deal with those feelings? It happens all the time, and so lives in us in the unconscious, waiting for an opportunity to come up again so we can understand them and find ways to deal with them.

We can't do this work alone. We need help naming the nameless and unknowable. We need help holding these un-holdable feelings. We do this in a relationship with another. It starts with the relationship we hold with ourselves and developing a safe or safer relationship with us. How can we be safe when we feel such rage? We can't really. So we find words to name them. We give the feelings context and a name and a way to hold them, and to feel them without reacting to them. It is difficult to work, and so rewarding. Doing the work helps to be and live in health, wholeness, and vitality.

Shift Your Story/Shift Your Life:
Think of a time where you got very upset. It could be with you, with someone you care about, with a co-worker, etc. Think back to that time. Did you lash out, did you yell, did you throw dishes, did you take a walk, did you go inside and figure out what upset you? Did you want to throw dishes and decide not to? Hahaha, yet also not haha.

Go back to that time if you can. Breathe deeply through this exercise. Feel your breath. Underneath the upset was there a feeling involved….anger, rage, sadness, hurt, helpless, what? If you can go to that under feeling. Allow yourself to feel the sad or the helpless or the hurt. As you do, feel the anger slowly change. What does it change, if it does? Stay with this for a few minutes and if you can, be with the feelings that come up for you. Breathe through this. Now if you can, put words to what comes up for you: what you feel hurt about and what it reminds you of, for example. Again, be with this for as long as needed. You are with yourself in those moments. Breathe deeply again and come back to the present.

Write down your experience of this exercise for you and your takeaway. It is yours.



My soothing words of wisdom for the week is about entering the Holiday Season and feeling unsafe around family:

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